Sunday, January 5, 2014

The IT Help Desk Responds and Fixing Techie Woman's Problem

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly (Beta version).

Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

A Techie Woman's Life After Marriage

A techie woman writes to the IT Technical support.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

How to Communicate about a Solar eclipse

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

“Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.”

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

“By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday.”

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

“By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.”

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

“If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock.”

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

“Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday”

Maiden Speech by School Master

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in a Metro city. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.

Here’s his dynamite speech :

Leddies and Gentulmens,    Contemporaries, Children, “This is my first maiden speech.   If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the    following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X’ raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.

You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation.  They became great by reading great books.  After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can   become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers.  Only yesterday I saw in paper “Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors” so and so forth, etc.  These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.

If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly.  My God blast you!   Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!”

Thursday, December 26, 2013

An Interview with MP

 Interview with MP (Joke)

Officer: What is your name?
Candidate : MP. Sir

officer: Tell me properly
candidate: Mohan Pal sir

officer: Your Father’s name?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: What does that mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal sir

officer: Your native place
candidate: MP. Sir

officer: Is it Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Mani Pal sir

officer: What is your qualification?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: (angrily) what is it?
Candidate: Metric Pass

officer: Why do you need a job?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: and What dose that means?
Candidate: Money Problem sir

officer: Describe your personality
candidate: MP. Sir

officer: Explain yourself clearly
candidate: Magnanimous Personality sir

officer: This discussion is nowhere, You
may go now
candidate : MP. Sir

officer: What is it now
candidate : My Performance…

Officer: M P!!!!

Candidate : What is that sir

officer: M E N T A L L Y P U N C T U R E D

(This post was published in Muthusamy's Blog @ Rediff Blogs on October 13, 2008