Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Popular Jokes Websites
www.ahajokes.com
Cartoons, fun pages, funny pictures, Jokes, humour
www.jokes.com
One of the huge site meant for Jokes. You will find thousands of jokes with searchable options. Jokes are categorized and properly rated. You will find video jokes. And you can participate in JOKE contests
www.jokesgallery.com
Really you will rate this as huge archive for free jokes, categorized in over 20 categories. You can find here jokes about blondes, men, women, computers, political, religous and many more.
www.jokesgalore.com
This jokes galore hosts the Internet's largest online database of jokes.
www.lotsofjokes.com
You will find both clean and dirty jokes categorized into different classifications. Additional features include a chat room and discussion forum.
www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes
Reasonably good site with continually-growing jokes collection.
www.the-jokes.com
This site includes commendable collection of jokes with multiple search options and also includes a voting system. Additional features include funny tests, humorous definitions, and magic.
www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
Well organized Jokes Collection with proper categorization according to professions including actuaries, computer programmers, doctors and farmers.
www.workjoke.com/projoke22.htm
Hosts a good collection of Professional Jokes
www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes
Jokes Database includes jokes from subjects likes biology, chemistry, geology, mathematics, physics and university. The collection also includes anecdotes, humorous quotes, mnemonics and rhymes.
Reference:
http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
Cartoons, fun pages, funny pictures, Jokes, humour
www.jokes.com
One of the huge site meant for Jokes. You will find thousands of jokes with searchable options. Jokes are categorized and properly rated. You will find video jokes. And you can participate in JOKE contests
www.jokesgallery.com
Really you will rate this as huge archive for free jokes, categorized in over 20 categories. You can find here jokes about blondes, men, women, computers, political, religous and many more.
www.jokesgalore.com
This jokes galore hosts the Internet's largest online database of jokes.
www.lotsofjokes.com
You will find both clean and dirty jokes categorized into different classifications. Additional features include a chat room and discussion forum.
www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes
Reasonably good site with continually-growing jokes collection.
www.the-jokes.com
This site includes commendable collection of jokes with multiple search options and also includes a voting system. Additional features include funny tests, humorous definitions, and magic.
www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
Well organized Jokes Collection with proper categorization according to professions including actuaries, computer programmers, doctors and farmers.
www.workjoke.com/projoke22.htm
Hosts a good collection of Professional Jokes
www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes
Jokes Database includes jokes from subjects likes biology, chemistry, geology, mathematics, physics and university. The collection also includes anecdotes, humorous quotes, mnemonics and rhymes.
Reference:
http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
Human Responce to Jokes
Scientists at LaughLab carried out a brain scan (using a technique known as Magnetic Resonance Imaging) of people listening to some jokes. The results were amazing. They showed that there is a very precise area of the brain involved in understanding why a joke is funny.
The area of the brain which reacts to jokes is mainly located towards the back of the frontal lobes. Interestingly, this fits in with other research suggesting that people who have damaged this part of the brain often lose their sense of humour.
But why should this section of the brain be so important to our sense of humour?
The Prefrontal cortex plays a vital role in the type of flexible thinking needed to understand a joke. It makes sense of the punchline and produces a strong sense of surprise.
In the NMI scanner presented to people with the initial part of jokes and then the punchlines, and compared activity in their brains with them simply reading unfunny sentences. The results were clear - the punchlines caused lots of activation in the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain - without this part of the brain we simply wouldn't find jokes funny.
People who took part in the LaughLab test were also asked to answer questions that involve making various estimates, such as:
How many words are there on one page of a typical paperback novel?
A) Under 500
B) 500 - 600
C) 600 - 700
D) 700 - 800
E) Over 800
Research suggests that people who are good at this type of question (the correct answer is under 500) tend to have good frontal lobe activation, whilst people who make incorrect estimates - do not. Interestingly, people who tended to answer this question correctly tended to prefer relatively complex jokes, such as…
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!
Whereas people who answered incorrectly, tended to like more straightforward jokes, such as…
Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day.
This sort of data gives us important insights into the way in which our brains affect our sense of humour.
Reference:
What Makes Jokes Funny? http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
The area of the brain which reacts to jokes is mainly located towards the back of the frontal lobes. Interestingly, this fits in with other research suggesting that people who have damaged this part of the brain often lose their sense of humour.
But why should this section of the brain be so important to our sense of humour?
The Prefrontal cortex plays a vital role in the type of flexible thinking needed to understand a joke. It makes sense of the punchline and produces a strong sense of surprise.
In the NMI scanner presented to people with the initial part of jokes and then the punchlines, and compared activity in their brains with them simply reading unfunny sentences. The results were clear - the punchlines caused lots of activation in the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain - without this part of the brain we simply wouldn't find jokes funny.
People who took part in the LaughLab test were also asked to answer questions that involve making various estimates, such as:
How many words are there on one page of a typical paperback novel?
A) Under 500
B) 500 - 600
C) 600 - 700
D) 700 - 800
E) Over 800
Research suggests that people who are good at this type of question (the correct answer is under 500) tend to have good frontal lobe activation, whilst people who make incorrect estimates - do not. Interestingly, people who tended to answer this question correctly tended to prefer relatively complex jokes, such as…
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!
Whereas people who answered incorrectly, tended to like more straightforward jokes, such as…
Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day.
This sort of data gives us important insights into the way in which our brains affect our sense of humour.
Reference:
What Makes Jokes Funny? http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
What are Jokes? How it brings Laughter?
Any joke could be the depiction of a situation or past experience or any short story or even a single question. They are simply cracked to entertain our friends and relatives or even strangers. The individual desires laughter as the response. Jokes are employed as ice breakers. The use of humor and cracking jokes helps in arousing humor and the punch line also employed as satire.
Learning how to acquaint jokes and be funny can be a abundant skill. The skills include sense of timing, precision, synthesis, and rhythm. Jokes work because they surprise the target audience. Know your audience. Even if you are not a able comedian, it helps a lot to apprentice to acquaint funny jokes already in a while - to breach the ice on affairs or on conversations, to be able to admix with added humans and to be added interesting. To advice you with these, actuality are a few tips you can do. However when there is no laughter from the audience, then the joke is said to have "fallen flat".
Jokes are mood lifters and abundant antecedent of happiness. Always it is better to find new jokes and it is not effective to dwell on those old jokes. There may be some skillful individuals who are comfortable with the sense of timing, precision, synthesis and rhythm and they crack jokes cogently. The punch lines used by them always surprise the audience and change the situation completely in a different direction and make them to feel lighter.
Reference:
http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
Learning how to acquaint jokes and be funny can be a abundant skill. The skills include sense of timing, precision, synthesis, and rhythm. Jokes work because they surprise the target audience. Know your audience. Even if you are not a able comedian, it helps a lot to apprentice to acquaint funny jokes already in a while - to breach the ice on affairs or on conversations, to be able to admix with added humans and to be added interesting. To advice you with these, actuality are a few tips you can do. However when there is no laughter from the audience, then the joke is said to have "fallen flat".
Jokes are mood lifters and abundant antecedent of happiness. Always it is better to find new jokes and it is not effective to dwell on those old jokes. There may be some skillful individuals who are comfortable with the sense of timing, precision, synthesis and rhythm and they crack jokes cogently. The punch lines used by them always surprise the audience and change the situation completely in a different direction and make them to feel lighter.
Reference:
http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html
Sunday, November 28, 2010
How the Non Resident Indians face typical questions asked about India?
To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
How Santa enjoyed Amitabh Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC)"
Santa is appearing on "Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC)" with Amitabh Bachchan.
Amitabh: "Santa, you`re up to Rs Fifty lakhs, with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth a crore rupees If you get it wrong, you drop back to Rs 3,20,000. Are you ready?"
Santa: "Yes."
Amitabh: "Which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Santa: "I`d like to phone a friend. I`d like to call Banta."
Banta answers the phone: "Hello?"
Amitabh: "Hello Banta ji, it`s Amitabh Bachchan from KBC. I have your friend Santa here who needs your help to answer the final question. The next voice you hear will be Santa`s..."
Santa: "Banta, which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Banta: "Oh geez, Santa. That`s simple. It`s a cuckoo."
Santa: "Are you sure?"
Banta: "I`m sure."
Amitabh: "Santa, you heard Banta. Do you keep the fifty lakhs or play for one crore?"
Santa: "I want to play; I`ll go with C) cuckoo".
Amitabh:" Is that your final answer?"
Santa: "Yes."
Amitabh: "Confident?"
Santa: "Yes; I think Banta`s pretty smart."
Amitabh: "You said C) cuckoo... And you`re right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE CRORE!"
To celebrate, Santa and Banta went to Ludhiana. That night they go out on the town. As they`re sipping champagne, Santa looks at Banta and asks him, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was easy," replies Banta. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."
Amitabh: "Santa, you`re up to Rs Fifty lakhs, with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth a crore rupees If you get it wrong, you drop back to Rs 3,20,000. Are you ready?"
Santa: "Yes."
Amitabh: "Which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Santa: "I`d like to phone a friend. I`d like to call Banta."
Banta answers the phone: "Hello?"
Amitabh: "Hello Banta ji, it`s Amitabh Bachchan from KBC. I have your friend Santa here who needs your help to answer the final question. The next voice you hear will be Santa`s..."
Santa: "Banta, which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Banta: "Oh geez, Santa. That`s simple. It`s a cuckoo."
Santa: "Are you sure?"
Banta: "I`m sure."
Amitabh: "Santa, you heard Banta. Do you keep the fifty lakhs or play for one crore?"
Santa: "I want to play; I`ll go with C) cuckoo".
Amitabh:" Is that your final answer?"
Santa: "Yes."
Amitabh: "Confident?"
Santa: "Yes; I think Banta`s pretty smart."
Amitabh: "You said C) cuckoo... And you`re right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE CRORE!"
To celebrate, Santa and Banta went to Ludhiana. That night they go out on the town. As they`re sipping champagne, Santa looks at Banta and asks him, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was easy," replies Banta. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."
How Gujjus are enterprising?
According to the August 8 report of the National Council of Applied Economic Research, the richest city in India is now Surat, ahead of Bangalore and Madras , with an average annual household income of Rs0.45 million (over $11,000 per year).
80 per cent of all diamonds sold anywhere in the world are polished in Surat 's 10,000 diamond units
The only non-Jews in the Tel Aviv and Jerusalem diamond bourse are Gujjus.
Between 2004-5 and 2007-8 Surat 's middle class doubled in size and its poor reduced by a third.
The fifth richest city in India is now Ahmedabad, ahead of Bombay and Delhi ,and miles ahead of Calcutta .
The percentage of man-days lost in Gujarat due to labour unrest is 0..42 per cent,the lowest in India .
Of Gujarat 's 18,048 villages, 17,940 have electricity.
The world's largest oil refinery is coming up in Jamnagar. Owned by Reliance, it already refines 660,000 barrels of oil a day and will double that this year.
Thirty per cent of India 's cotton is grown in Gujarat, 40 per cent of India 's art-silk is manufactured in Surat , employing 0.7 million people.
The world's third largest denim manufacturer is Ahmedabad's Arvind Mills..
A KPMG report says 40 per cent of India 's pharmacy industry is based in Gujarat with companies like Torrent, Zydus Cadila, Alembic, Dishman and Sun Pharma.
The state of Gujarat's GDP has been growing at 12 per cent a year for the last 12 years, as fast as China 's.
India 's wealthiest man, Mukesh Ambani of Reliance, is Gujarati. Forbes says he is the world's fifth richest man, worth $43 billion. Azim Premji of Wipro, is Gujarati. He is the world's 21st richest man, worth $17 billion.
Ten of the 25 richest Indians are Gujarati.
Some of the best business communities in India -- Parsis, Jains, Memons, Banias, Khojas and Bohras -- speak Gujarati.
The two great leaders of the subcontinent, the Mahatma and the Quaid, were both Gujaratis from trading communities. One a Bania, the other a Khoja.
Gujaratis number 55 million, five per cent of India 's population living on six per cent of surface area, but hold 30 per cent of all Indian stock.
Gujaratis account for 16 per cent of all Indian exports and 17 per cent of GDP.
Do we have any clue how the gujjus achieve all this?
As a Gujju, I know a few of the factors contributing to this success :
1. Gujjus are ardent money lovers! So every success rated in terms of money finds them there !
2. They avoid quarrels, fights, battles, issues, frictions at probably any cost! Even at the cost of apparent self-respect because until their money is harmed, no self-respect is ever assailed!
3. Whoever cam manage money, can probably manage every thing else ! That's again what makes them good administrators.
4. They love to chase money till any corner of the world! That accounts for their presence in most of the countries of the world.
5. Enterprising nature & entrepreneurial skills in their genes are next to those of only Marwaris & English people.
6. They are not interested in any power plays or ostentations that cost ! They seek no entertainment outside home! So they save & save.
7. They love to keep low profile lest their wealth attracts evil eyes!
8. They prefer brain intensive occupations more than labour-intensive ones, so have wider applications !
http://www.mudraa.com/trading/55290/0/my-report-on-gujarat.html
80 per cent of all diamonds sold anywhere in the world are polished in Surat 's 10,000 diamond units
The only non-Jews in the Tel Aviv and Jerusalem diamond bourse are Gujjus.
Between 2004-5 and 2007-8 Surat 's middle class doubled in size and its poor reduced by a third.
The fifth richest city in India is now Ahmedabad, ahead of Bombay and Delhi ,and miles ahead of Calcutta .
The percentage of man-days lost in Gujarat due to labour unrest is 0..42 per cent,the lowest in India .
Of Gujarat 's 18,048 villages, 17,940 have electricity.
The world's largest oil refinery is coming up in Jamnagar. Owned by Reliance, it already refines 660,000 barrels of oil a day and will double that this year.
Thirty per cent of India 's cotton is grown in Gujarat, 40 per cent of India 's art-silk is manufactured in Surat , employing 0.7 million people.
The world's third largest denim manufacturer is Ahmedabad's Arvind Mills..
A KPMG report says 40 per cent of India 's pharmacy industry is based in Gujarat with companies like Torrent, Zydus Cadila, Alembic, Dishman and Sun Pharma.
The state of Gujarat's GDP has been growing at 12 per cent a year for the last 12 years, as fast as China 's.
India 's wealthiest man, Mukesh Ambani of Reliance, is Gujarati. Forbes says he is the world's fifth richest man, worth $43 billion. Azim Premji of Wipro, is Gujarati. He is the world's 21st richest man, worth $17 billion.
Ten of the 25 richest Indians are Gujarati.
Some of the best business communities in India -- Parsis, Jains, Memons, Banias, Khojas and Bohras -- speak Gujarati.
The two great leaders of the subcontinent, the Mahatma and the Quaid, were both Gujaratis from trading communities. One a Bania, the other a Khoja.
Gujaratis number 55 million, five per cent of India 's population living on six per cent of surface area, but hold 30 per cent of all Indian stock.
Gujaratis account for 16 per cent of all Indian exports and 17 per cent of GDP.
Do we have any clue how the gujjus achieve all this?
As a Gujju, I know a few of the factors contributing to this success :
1. Gujjus are ardent money lovers! So every success rated in terms of money finds them there !
2. They avoid quarrels, fights, battles, issues, frictions at probably any cost! Even at the cost of apparent self-respect because until their money is harmed, no self-respect is ever assailed!
3. Whoever cam manage money, can probably manage every thing else ! That's again what makes them good administrators.
4. They love to chase money till any corner of the world! That accounts for their presence in most of the countries of the world.
5. Enterprising nature & entrepreneurial skills in their genes are next to those of only Marwaris & English people.
6. They are not interested in any power plays or ostentations that cost ! They seek no entertainment outside home! So they save & save.
7. They love to keep low profile lest their wealth attracts evil eyes!
8. They prefer brain intensive occupations more than labour-intensive ones, so have wider applications !
http://www.mudraa.com/trading/55290/0/my-report-on-gujarat.html
ABCD explains to his Brother - How DIWALI began?
o, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.
But, like, his step mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch, and she forced
her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin’.
Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so,
he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know… so that they
could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit,
really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this
dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad gansta’ boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gunz ‘coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don’t mess with gods.
So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta’s ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time’s up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home.
His bro and the wife are back home. People thought, well, you know,
atleast they deserve somethin’ nice and they didn’t have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke or shit. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too.
So it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks really,
they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first
musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July
stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!!
Diwali Rocks Maaaan!
But, like, his step mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch, and she forced
her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin’.
Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so,
he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know… so that they
could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit,
really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this
dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad gansta’ boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gunz ‘coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don’t mess with gods.
So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta’s ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time’s up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home.
His bro and the wife are back home. People thought, well, you know,
atleast they deserve somethin’ nice and they didn’t have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke or shit. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too.
So it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks really,
they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first
musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July
stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!!
Diwali Rocks Maaaan!
Ramayan as told by an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) to his Son
Son : Pop... what is the Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..
Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a *****, and she forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'.
Since he was going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary ****, really man, they had monkeys and devils and **** like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked their *** with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just kicks *** and like, all the gods were with him.
So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's *** in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or **** like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.
People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.
► Copied from other source, sorry if it hurts anybody
Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a *****, and she forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'.
Since he was going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary ****, really man, they had monkeys and devils and **** like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked their *** with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just kicks *** and like, all the gods were with him.
So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's *** in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or **** like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.
People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.
► Copied from other source, sorry if it hurts anybody
Salary and Expenditure Correspondence between ABCD DESI Husband and Wife
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Wife's Response
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Wife's Response
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
How a DESI boy Proposes a girl for an arranged marriage over phone
The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief.
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
(I can't believe he actually called!)
(I can't believe he actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron.
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds
like a complete loser)
like a complete loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year.
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends,
go to movies.
go to movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker,
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have
a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)
Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)
contributed by Smita Baliga
How an ABCD Desi will express his Love in Broken English
I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author
People from Various States of India
HUM HINDUSTANI
(Disclaimer: This is just for fun and not to offend anyone.)
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tam-Brahm
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train
at rush hour
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
http://jayesh.profitfromprices.com/Indians_Cultural_diversity.htm
(Disclaimer: This is just for fun and not to offend anyone.)
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tam-Brahm
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train
at rush hour
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
http://jayesh.profitfromprices.com/Indians_Cultural_diversity.htm
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