Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lighter Vein Definitions

  1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
  2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
  3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
  4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
  5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either".
  6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
  7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
  8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is  defeated by feminine waterpower.
  9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
  10. Conference room: A place where nobody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.
  11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
  12. Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.
  13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
  14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
  18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
  19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
  20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
  22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
  23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet"
  24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
  25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
  26. Father: A banker provided by nature. 
  27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
  28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
  30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Virus Scan Requested

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe t!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. S
TAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.
Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.
Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.
Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.
Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.
Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.
LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.
Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.
Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.
[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and I will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

Analysis of an Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let me know the details and I will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

Funny English : Signs and Notices at Public Places

Please find here how some signs and notices are written in English. The signs and notices were
collected at public places throughout the world. You may able to appreciate and assign 'E' for the writers  Effort. I hope you will enjoy.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Girls at This Age : What You Could Do?

At the age of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68 what you could do with girls?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

                                                                      At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!! 

Different age different approach !!!

Top 20 Jokes on Marriage

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

4. My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

5. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

6. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

7. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

8. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

9. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

10. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. What is the difference between a marriage and a war? A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!

12. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

13. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

14. Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

15. Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. this widow had a grown up daughter. My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married. This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. See below how:
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!

16. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

17. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

18. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

19. Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."
20. Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.