The IT Help Desk Responds and Fixing Techie Woman's Problem

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly (Beta version).

Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

A Techie Woman's Life After Marriage

A techie woman writes to the IT Technical support.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

How to Communicate about a Solar eclipse

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

“Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

“By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday.”
————————————————————————————-


From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

“By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

“If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

“Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday”

Maiden Speech by School Master

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in a Metro city. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.

Here’s his dynamite speech :

Leddies and Gentulmens,    Contemporaries, Children, “This is my first maiden speech.   If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the    following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X’ raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.

You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation.  They became great by reading great books.  After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can   become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers.  Only yesterday I saw in paper “Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors” so and so forth, etc.  These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.

If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly.  My God blast you!   Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!”

An Interview with MP

 Interview with MP (Joke)

Officer: What is your name?
Candidate : MP. Sir

officer: Tell me properly
candidate: Mohan Pal sir

officer: Your Father’s name?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: What does that mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal sir

officer: Your native place
candidate: MP. Sir

officer: Is it Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Mani Pal sir

officer: What is your qualification?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: (angrily) what is it?
Candidate: Metric Pass

officer: Why do you need a job?
Candidate: MP. Sir

officer: and What dose that means?
Candidate: Money Problem sir

officer: Describe your personality
candidate: MP. Sir

officer: Explain yourself clearly
candidate: Magnanimous Personality sir

officer: This discussion is nowhere, You
may go now
candidate : MP. Sir

officer: What is it now
candidate : My Performance…



Officer: M P!!!!

Candidate : What is that sir

officer: M E N T A L L Y P U N C T U R E D

(This post was published in Muthusamy's Blog @ Rediff Blogs on October 13, 2008 http://blogs.rediff.com/muthusamy/2008/10/13/an-interview-with-mp/)

Pushkar

Pushkar, a photo by Steve Bahcall on Flickr.

Pushkar by Steve Bahcall

Mehrangarh Fort

Mehrangarh Fort, a photo by Steve Bahcall on Flickr.

Mehrangarh Fort by Steve Bahcall

Lighter Vein Definitions

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is  defeated by feminine waterpower.
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference room: A place where nobody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet"
24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature. 
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Virus Scan Requested

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

---

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe t!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine.


NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.


PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. S
TAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.
Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.
Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.
Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.
Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.
Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.
LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.
Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.
Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.
[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and I will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

Analysis of an Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.


The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.




The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let me know the details and I will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

Funny English : Signs and Notices at Public Places

Please find here how some signs and notices are written in English. The signs and notices were
collected at public places throughout the world. You may able to appreciate and assign 'E' for the writers  Effort. I hope you will enjoy.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.



In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.


Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.



From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Girls at This Age : What You Could Do?

At the age of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68 what you could do with girls?

 

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

 
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

 
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

 
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

 
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

                                                                      At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!! 

Different age different approach !!!

Top 20 Jokes on Marriage

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.



3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

4. My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

5. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

6. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

7. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!


8. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

9. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

10. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. What is the difference between a marriage and a war? A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!

12. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !



13. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

14. Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

15. Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. this widow had a grown up daughter. My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married. This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. See below how:
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!



16. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

17. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

18. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

19. Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."
20. Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Pepsi Max Job Interview funny commercial

Gujarati Jokes - Video Youtube

Russel Peters on Indian Accent - Youtube

Popular Jokes Websites

www.ahajokes.com
Cartoons, fun pages, funny pictures, Jokes, humour

www.jokes.com
One of the huge site meant for Jokes. You will find thousands of jokes with searchable options. Jokes are categorized and properly rated. You will find video jokes. And you can participate in JOKE contests

www.jokesgallery.com
Really you will rate this as huge archive for free jokes, categorized in over 20 categories. You can find here jokes about blondes, men, women, computers, political, religous and many more.

www.jokesgalore.com
This jokes galore hosts the Internet's largest online database of jokes.

www.lotsofjokes.com
You will find both clean and dirty jokes categorized into different classifications. Additional features include a chat room and discussion forum.

www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes
Reasonably good site with continually-growing jokes collection.

www.the-jokes.com
This site includes commendable collection of jokes with multiple search options and also includes a voting system. Additional features include funny tests, humorous definitions, and magic.

www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
Well organized Jokes Collection with proper categorization according to professions including actuaries, computer programmers, doctors and farmers.

www.workjoke.com/projoke22.htm
Hosts a good collection of Professional Jokes

www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes
Jokes Database includes jokes from subjects likes biology, chemistry, geology, mathematics, physics and university. The collection also includes anecdotes, humorous quotes, mnemonics and rhymes.

Reference:

http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html

Human Responce to Jokes

Scientists at LaughLab carried out a brain scan (using a technique known as Magnetic Resonance Imaging) of people listening to some jokes. The results were amazing. They showed that there is a very precise area of the brain involved in understanding why a joke is funny.

The area of the brain which reacts to jokes is mainly located towards the back of the frontal lobes. Interestingly, this fits in with other research suggesting that people who have damaged this part of the brain often lose their sense of humour.

But why should this section of the brain be so important to our sense of humour?

The Prefrontal cortex plays a vital role in the type of flexible thinking needed to understand a joke. It makes sense of the punchline and produces a strong sense of surprise.

In the NMI scanner presented to people with the initial part of jokes and then the punchlines, and compared activity in their brains with them simply reading unfunny sentences. The results were clear - the punchlines caused lots of activation in the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain - without this part of the brain we simply wouldn't find jokes funny.

People who took part in the LaughLab test were also asked to answer questions that involve making various estimates, such as:

How many words are there on one page of a typical paperback novel?

A) Under 500
B) 500 - 600
C) 600 - 700
D) 700 - 800
E) Over 800

Research suggests that people who are good at this type of question (the correct answer is under 500) tend to have good frontal lobe activation, whilst people who make incorrect estimates - do not. Interestingly, people who tended to answer this question correctly tended to prefer relatively complex jokes, such as…

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!

Whereas people who answered incorrectly, tended to like more straightforward jokes, such as…

Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day.

This sort of data gives us important insights into the way in which our brains affect our sense of humour.

Reference:

What Makes Jokes Funny? http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html

What are Jokes? How it brings Laughter?

Any joke could be the depiction of a situation or past experience or any short story or even a single question. They are simply cracked to entertain our friends and relatives or even strangers. The individual desires laughter as the response. Jokes are employed as ice breakers. The use of humor and cracking jokes helps in arousing humor and the punch line also employed as satire.

Learning how to acquaint jokes and be funny can be a abundant skill. The skills include sense of timing, precision, synthesis, and rhythm. Jokes work because they surprise the target audience. Know your audience. Even if you are not a able comedian, it helps a lot to apprentice to acquaint funny jokes already in a while - to breach the ice on affairs or on conversations, to be able to admix with added humans and to be added interesting. To advice you with these, actuality are a few tips you can do. However when there is no laughter from the audience, then the joke is said to have "fallen flat".

Jokes are mood lifters and abundant antecedent of happiness. Always it is better to find new jokes and it is not effective to dwell on those old jokes. There may be some skillful individuals who are comfortable with the sense of timing, precision, synthesis and rhythm and they crack jokes cogently. The punch lines used by them always surprise the audience and change the situation completely in a different direction and make them to feel lighter.

Reference:

http://www.aboutjokes.net/origin.html

How the Non Resident Indians face typical questions asked about India?

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.

Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.

Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.