How to Communicate about a Solar eclipse

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

“Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

“By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday.”
————————————————————————————-


From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

“By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

“If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock.”
————————————————————————————-

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

“Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday”

Pepsi Max Job Interview funny commercial

How Santa enjoyed Amitabh Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC)"

Santa is appearing on "Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC)" with Amitabh Bachchan.

Amitabh: "Santa, you`re up to Rs Fifty lakhs, with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth a crore rupees If you get it wrong, you drop back to Rs 3,20,000. Are you ready?"

Santa: "Yes."

Amitabh: "Which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Santa: "I`d like to phone a friend. I`d like to call Banta."

Banta answers the phone: "Hello?"

Amitabh: "Hello Banta ji, it`s Amitabh Bachchan from KBC. I have your friend Santa here who needs your help to answer the final question. The next voice you hear will be Santa`s..."

Santa: "Banta, which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest?

Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Banta: "Oh geez, Santa. That`s simple. It`s a cuckoo."

Santa: "Are you sure?"

Banta: "I`m sure."

Amitabh: "Santa, you heard Banta. Do you keep the fifty lakhs or play for one crore?"

Santa: "I want to play; I`ll go with C) cuckoo".

Amitabh:" Is that your final answer?"

Santa: "Yes."

Amitabh: "Confident?"

Santa: "Yes; I think Banta`s pretty smart."

Amitabh: "You said C) cuckoo... And you`re right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE CRORE!"

To celebrate, Santa and Banta went to Ludhiana. That night they go out on the town. As they`re sipping champagne, Santa looks at Banta and asks him, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was easy," replies Banta. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

How Gujjus are enterprising?

According to the August 8 report of the National Council of Applied Economic Research, the richest city in India is now Surat, ahead of Bangalore and Madras , with an average annual household income of Rs0.45 million (over $11,000 per year).
80 per cent of all diamonds sold anywhere in the world are polished in Surat 's 10,000 diamond units
The only non-Jews in the Tel Aviv and Jerusalem diamond bourse are Gujjus.
Between 2004-5 and 2007-8 Surat 's middle class doubled in size and its poor reduced by a third.
The fifth richest city in India is now Ahmedabad, ahead of Bombay and Delhi ,and miles ahead of Calcutta .
The percentage of man-days lost in Gujarat due to labour unrest is 0..42 per cent,the lowest in India .
Of Gujarat 's 18,048 villages, 17,940 have electricity.
The world's largest oil refinery is coming up in Jamnagar. Owned by Reliance, it already refines 660,000 barrels of oil a day and will double that this year.
Thirty per cent of India 's cotton is grown in Gujarat, 40 per cent of India 's art-silk is manufactured in Surat , employing 0.7 million people.
The world's third largest denim manufacturer is Ahmedabad's Arvind Mills..
A KPMG report says 40 per cent of India 's pharmacy industry is based in Gujarat with companies like Torrent, Zydus Cadila, Alembic, Dishman and Sun Pharma.
The state of Gujarat's GDP has been growing at 12 per cent a year for the last 12 years, as fast as China 's.
India 's wealthiest man, Mukesh Ambani of Reliance, is Gujarati. Forbes says he is the world's fifth richest man, worth $43 billion. Azim Premji of Wipro, is Gujarati. He is the world's 21st richest man, worth $17 billion.
Ten of the 25 richest Indians are Gujarati.
Some of the best business communities in India -- Parsis, Jains, Memons, Banias, Khojas and Bohras -- speak Gujarati.
The two great leaders of the subcontinent, the Mahatma and the Quaid, were both Gujaratis from trading communities. One a Bania, the other a Khoja.
Gujaratis number 55 million, five per cent of India 's population living on six per cent of surface area, but hold 30 per cent of all Indian stock.
Gujaratis account for 16 per cent of all Indian exports and 17 per cent of GDP.
Do we have any clue how the gujjus achieve all this?
As a Gujju, I know a few of the factors contributing to this success :

1. Gujjus are ardent money lovers! So every success rated in terms of money finds them there !
2. They avoid quarrels, fights, battles, issues, frictions at probably any cost! Even at the cost of apparent self-respect because until their money is harmed, no self-respect is ever assailed!
3. Whoever cam manage money, can probably manage every thing else ! That's again what makes them good administrators.
4. They love to chase money till any corner of the world! That accounts for their presence in most of the countries of the world.
5. Enterprising nature & entrepreneurial skills in their genes are next to those of only Marwaris & English people.
6. They are not interested in any power plays or ostentations that cost ! They seek no entertainment outside home! So they save & save.
7. They love to keep low profile lest their wealth attracts evil eyes!
8. They prefer brain intensive occupations more than labour-intensive ones, so have wider applications !
http://www.mudraa.com/trading/55290/0/my-report-on-gujarat.html

ABCD explains to his Brother - How DIWALI began?

o, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.
But, like, his step mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch, and she forced
her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin’.
Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so,
he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know… so that they
could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit,
really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this
dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad gansta’ boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gunz ‘coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don’t mess with gods.
So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta’s ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time’s up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home.
His bro and the wife are back home. People thought, well, you know,
atleast they deserve somethin’ nice and they didn’t have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke or shit. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too.
So it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks really,
they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first
musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July
stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!!
Diwali Rocks Maaaan!

Ramayan as told by an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) to his Son

Son : Pop... what is the Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..

Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a *****, and she forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'.

Since he was going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary ****, really man, they had monkeys and devils and **** like that.

But this dude, Ram, kicked their *** with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just kicks *** and like, all the gods were with him.

So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's *** in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or **** like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.

People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.


► Copied from other source, sorry if it hurts anybody

How a DESI boy Proposes a girl for an arranged marriage over phone

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief.
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
(I can't believe he actually called!)

Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)

Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)

Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)

Girl: Yes.

Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?

Girl: Merrill Lynch.

Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron.
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)

Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds
like a complete loser)

Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)

Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)

Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year.
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?

Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends,
go to movies.

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?

Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.

Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?

Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.

Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker,
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)

Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)

Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...

Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.

Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have
a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?

Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)

Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)

Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)

Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)

Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)

Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)

contributed by Smita Baliga

How an ABCD Desi will express his Love in Broken English

I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!

Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author

People from Various States of India

HUM HINDUSTANI

(Disclaimer: This is just for fun and not to offend anyone.)

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tam-Brahm

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train
at rush hour

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

http://jayesh.profitfromprices.com/Indians_Cultural_diversity.htm